Australian researchers are delighted by the discovery of a fossilised hamburger twenty metres south of the “Mungo Woman” gravesite in south-western New South Wales.

“Righteous Glow Productions”, a documentary company jointly owned by Dr Keith Windschuttle and Janet Albrechtson, today announced a presale with Channel Ten to document what presenter Christopher Pearson has called “an approaching firestorm of lies” from anthropologists in Australian universities.

Scientists appointed during the Whitlam years are claiming the prehistoric lump of fast food proves that Aborigines had a sophisticated society around the once fertile lagoons some forty thousand years ago.

Windschuttle claims he has documentary evidence from the Tasmanian State Archives which contradicts the theory. He begins by discounting the oral history collected in 1837 by a Dalmatian Buddhist pilgrim rescued from starvation by Aborigines. Instead, he says the manila folder marked “United Kingdom Foreign Office, 27,216 BC” proves beyond doubt that the British were the original settlers of Australia.

He also alleges that the foundations of a rectangular structure nearby are not in fact the remains of an Afghan camp burnt in anti-Turkish riots by shearers in 1916, even though he has previously maintained that the truth about this ugly bout of mob rule has been suppressed by the Labor movement for almost a century.

He says that the burnt poles clearly represent the verandah of a prehistoric chip shop. The Anglo-saxon origins of the structure are proved by an evident line of hardened clay leading to the door, which could only have been made by an orderly queue forming on Friday nights for at least ten thousand years.

Professor Henry Reynolds insists the site is no more than the ruins of his 1989 campsite, which exploded into flames when Professor Marcia Langton became incandescent reading newspaper accounts of Liberal plans to rewrite Land Rights legislation.

Windschuttle is delighted with this response. Yesterday morning, in a radio interview with Alan Jones, he pointed out this proves that Henry Reynolds is a biassed historian. “This is obvious hearsay”, he shouted. “Reynolds knows that this kind of anecdotal evidence is totally inadequate as history. How can he continue to promulgate this wretched piece of tittle-tattle when I have published the land ownership records for subdivisions in the Lake Mungo area? They stretch back to the original occupation of this land by Gog and Magog after they were expelled from Jerusalem.”

Unfortunately for Australian researchers, the geology department at ANU has sold the fossil to Discovery Channel. The meat patty at the centre of the burger will be removed in a live television special on July 4th, so the fossil can be dismantled in the search for Diprodoton DNA.

In a rare display of unity, Windschuttle and Reynolds have issued a joint press statement condemning the destruction of a priceless piece of Australian prehistory.

A spokesperson for Discovery Channel said that the company respects the researchers for their patriotism, but that the Free Trade Agreement contains a specific clause allowing this kind of transaction as a means of protecting Intellectual Property. “Besides”, said executive producer Winona Meerkat with an acquisitive giggle, “a Diprodoton will be large and furry, and worth a great deal of money. We know this is a high-risk venture, but we have already auctioned off the naming rights to pay for the production.

We expect to release the first pictures of baby Toyota in the Fall of 2008.”

Thanks to Bibliodyssey for first noticing the story.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 14th, 2006 at 7:39 pm and is filed under entertainments, history. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.